It has been a brutal couple of years, were I felt like so much has been stripped from me - my comfort, my adventurous spirit, my creativity, my writing skills, and well my joy.
Last year we basically experienced a year of recovery for our family in the mist of great lost - both of Nate's grandmothers passed away in a matter of four months. We were able to settle in fully, we were able to save more, we found a church that we all love, and we got involved in a small group - were we made some friends.
We needed all that. As the end of 2017 approached I felt a huge sense of gratitude, that we made it once again, that we had a better year, that we are all here alive and healthy, and that the part of me that felt stripped away was slowly trickling back in.
I started to reflect on the last couple of years, and the immense heartache and loneliness I felt, pretty much all the time, and the unhappiness that was starting to brew within me, and with that a dose of fear - what was happening to me?
As I was pondering all of these things within, I came to the realization that I have been ungrateful, and that ingratitude started to breed some unintentional sin (if there is even a thing like that) in my heart. My ingratitude was my fall into discontentment.
I wondered, why couldn't I seem to find wonder and beauty here - in my every day ordinary life? Why did I struggle and spend so many countless hours not able to see the beauty of life? How do I find true and authentic joy? The fullest live (the joy life), right here and right now?
I stumbled up on a book (One Thousand Gifts - Ann Voskamp,) that I devoured in a few days, and basically my mind has been completely blown.
The thing is we get one, and only one chance to live this life well. We get to LIVE!
When Jesus walked on the earth, and nothing seemed to work out, no one responded to his teachings and people wanted to freaken kill him. What did he do? He simply gave thanks. Say way?!?
It made me think that Thanksgiving leads to living well. That the height of my joy depends on the depth of my thanks or gratitude. Thanksgiving seems to always precede a miracle.
So how for the sake of my joy, this fullest life that I desire, do I learn to use this art of Thanksgiving to overcome my self-destructive and ugly habit of ingratitude?
......
By the saving habit of gratitude. How do I get the saving habit of gratitude? By learning, and learning mostly requires practicing, and sometimes that can be mind-numbing and frustrating.
To have gratitude for the seemingly insignificant things in my life. Even in the ugly-beautiful.
There is a deep art in seeing, and acquiring that art makes gratitude possible. It is an intentional choice to be thankful and receive joy. In the end only self kills and steals joy - no one else has the power to take my joy ever, but for the last several years I have simply given it up, given it away, tossed it to the side, and instead latched onto and receive the dark gift of ingratitude.
Joy is always given. God gives gifts, and I get to give thanks, and then I get to unwrap the given gift of JOY!
I decided to dare myself - basically a dare to name all the ways God loves me. A list of one thousands gifts..... there are no rules or obligations. Simply writing down the gifts he gifts me daily, that I have the choice to receive and unwrap - even if it's seemingly insignificant.
To give thanks, to see the beauty, to be filled with the joy, and to life the fullest life.
1. Millie cat snuggling against a sleepy girl.
2. Chestnut & praline coffee with a sweet and a valued friend.
3. Water paint colors in the sky.......
13. Frustrating yet teachable moments on kindness.
14. Mrs Sherri Grotelueschen
15. Long face-time sessions with my brother.
My heart has been racing, my mind has been going, and I am working out so many things in my heart - it is seriously about time for that to happen - because it seemed hopeless for so long.
I am not committing to sharing my entire list, and to blog about this all the time. As much as this list can be freeing it can also cause stress and other ugly unwanted feelings. As things start to unfold in my heart, and I am able to learn and receive, I might come back and write more, who knows?
I have no idea what this year holds for me, but this I know - there is an emptier fuller life waiting for me, if I am willing to simply receive it. My goal this year is to just learn to live a true and authentic life of gratitude and joy.
"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us." - J.R.R. Tolkien
Happy Wednesday!
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